A new chapter...

 

I’m finally ready to share something I wrote in my journal on 09-19-19. I just needed to sit on it for awhile, and work through the feelings first.

Mom was admitted to home hospice on 09-17-19. I made the referral on Monday 09-16-19. It was one of the hardest calls I have ever made…

I have seen with my own eyes that she is declining, but I did not want to accept what I was seeing.

I did not expect the emotions I experienced. This is what I do. I talk to people every day about decline, acceptance of what is happening, and the value of hospice services earlier rather than later. Still, I struggled, and it was hard to accept the time had come for the call.

An admissions nurse came out the next day to complete an assessment, to see if mom was actually appropriate for hospice. I had planned on being there for the visit, but my husband encouraged me to go on to work. He felt mom would be more open, and since I work for the same hospice he felt the nurse would be more comfortable. I think he also wanted to have the freedom to talk openly as her primary caregiver without worrying about me.

Again, I was overcome with emotions. Where were they coming from? I realized I was going to be upset if mom was admitted, because it was going to confirm what I thought I was seeing. I was also going to be upset if she was not admitted, because I knew we needed the support hospice can offer.

The nurse called me after the visit, “We are admitting your mom, she is appropriate.” I tried to listen to everything the nurse was saying, but it was hard. I guess I responded correctly because we ended the call and I hung up.

That is when I lost it…

I very rarely cry. I am a person who likes to be in control. I’ve often said I used up all my tears in the divorce 15 years ago. Crying exposes us and we become vulnerable. Brene Brown and I are still working on that.

I absolutely do not cry at work…

I cry on the way home with my music loud, and the top down, but I do not cry at work. Part of my job is to provide comfort when, and where I can. If the patient and families feel the need to comfort me, I become the focus. I know there are many people who do not agree with my feelings on this and that is okay.

It took awhile for me to pull myself together and continue my day. I kept thinking, this is how my families and patients feel, and it does not feel good.

A new chapter has begun, and I know it will include both tears, and laughter. Most of all I know this chapter is one that will forever change who I am.

Lord, may I be open to the lessons you have for me.

My word for this year is Trust… It is not easy, but I’m willing.

Proverbs 3:5
 
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sometimes changes are good...

Image
 We are finally in our home, and it doesn't look at all like I thought it would but is so much better than I ever imagined it would be. I had always dreamed of having a farmhouse, sort of like my Grandma and Grandpa Smith's house with the big front porch and the rocking chairs, and swing. The dream was in part because the porch is where some of my favorite memories were made rocking and swinging with my cousins, but I was also drawn to the simplicity in the design. As we looked over floor plans, they never felt right, and the frustration was beginning to build as we contemplated another very hot summer in the camper. Mike decided on a whim to visit the America's Home Place office in Brunswick and everything began falling  into place. Although I was reluctant to give up my dream and make any changes to the vision I had in my mind this house seemed like the perfect solution. Mike and I could both have what we wanted. The back of the house on the pond is more like a lake house...
Read more

The end of a chapter…

I left my house in Fleming Island for the last time this morning. It was bittersweet and I felt like crying and celebrating at the same time. That house was a place of much joy and much pain. When I moved into the house it was the perfect place for three little boys. We had a big back yard for them to play in with our dog Maverick. The neighborhood was new and full of young families like ours with lots of kids their age and a new elementary school within walking distance. Their were other “stay at home” moms to have play dates with and special friendships were made. I weathered a very hard divorce and was alone for the first in my life in that house. It was comforting and familiar in a time when my world was falling apart. That house was the place a new family was created and two broken hearts were pieced back together in a new beautiful way. As the years passed we watched our children grow into young adults and it was from that house we watched them leave and chase their own dreams se...
Read more

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Image
After years of looking at house plans and many, many times finding “just the right one” only to decide it doesn’t work, we have FINALLY found our house. It is hard to make a decision when there are so many options. We have gone back and forth on how big, or small we want the house to be, and written down the “must haves”, and the “would be nice”. We’ve talked about our dreams and how we want the house to be a refuge and safe place for family and friends. We’ve dreamed of family get togethers with enough room for everyone to be together with spaces where our children and grandchildren will be comfortable. We want our home to be a place of fellowship and laughter, where friends can gather and play games, or complete puzzles, bake cookies or spend time reading a book. This house fits all those wants and desires without making any changes. I am glad we kept looking and did not settle. In the new year we will begin the “prep work”. Can’t wait to see this house take shape. 
Read more