House in the Woods

It came up quickly, and for the first time since I was six years old I wasn’t going to be able to see my mama, or at least talk to her on Mother’s Day. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel, but my hope was that I would be able to celebrate her, and focus on the memories, and good times.  My family knows that when I get up, and start cleaning, organizing, and rearranging it usually means I am trying to process strong emotions. Saturday I found myself doing just that. It took time for me to realize what was going on...I was missing my mama. I wanted to see her, and tell her what’s been going on. I wanted another opportunity to tell her I love her. I wanted to hear her laugh when she tries to tell a joke, and can’t remember the punch line. I wanted to see her face light up when she opened the new outfit that always had purple on it somewhere, and to pin the orchid on her before we left for church.  As time goes by the shock wears off, and reality sets in. She is not here anymore...

 I’ve been mulling over for a few weeks now, how to put into words what Anita has meant to me through the years. She came into my life when I was a teenager,  when she started working for my dad as his secretary. She was part of a large family that became very important to mine. Her dad, Sonny and his brother, Charlie were married to two sisters; her mom, Linda and her aunt Brenda. I always called them “the Potts and Pans” to keep them straight. I remember the whole Potts family being involved in The Living Christmas Tree, and Anita being in the ensemble and how captivating her voice was. There are also memories of cookouts, holidays, and lots of love, and laughter, and I thoroughly enjoyed being a part of it. She became a confidante, someone I could share my heart with, without any fear of judgement. When I was married to my children’s father she sang in the wedding. She had the voice of an angel, but was so very humble about it. I watched her as she and my dad were married. ...

 Originally posted on Wordpress  September 1, 2020 It is getting harder… Mom has had some major changes lately. Actually, a more appropriate way to say it is, mom has had a major decline. I really dislike that word, decline. We use it at work to help families understand what is happening with their loved one, but there is no way that one word can describe the loss. There are times she is not sure who I am. She knows I am important, but she’s not sure why. She is showing signs of “sundowners”. This burst of energy, and need to move at bedtime. She’s always been a night owl, and I have always been a morning person. About the time I am ready to lay down she is ready to start moving. I have a baby monitor in her room so I can see, and hear her if she needs me, and I have to admit, I probably spend way too much time just watching her, instead of sleeping. My cousin sent some pictures that my aunt had put away the other day. There were pictures of mom with clear, and confident eyes,...

  Originally posted on Wordpress  August 26, 2020 I captured this shot on the way to work Monday morning, when I was driving back from the pond in Georgia. Pardon the haze, my lens fogged up when I jumped out of the car on the side of the road. I’ve always had a fascination with sunrises, and sunsets, and the way clouds actually emphasize the beauty of the light. As a teenager spending summers on my grandparent’s farm, I could be found many evenings, out in the yard when the sun was going down, trying to somehow capture the beauty of the colors. I found that the limitations of the camera lens could not do it justice. I’ll admit at that time in my life I didn’t capture many sunrises. They came way too early! I’m amazed at how every single sunrise, and sunset are different. I’m also learning how quickly they change, and I only get one chance to try and capture what I see. I’ve also begun to appreciate that the clouds are often what brings out the beauty of the light. So many lif...

 Originally posted on Wordpress  August 19, 2020 He would have been 79 years old yesterday. It’s been almost eight years now, and sometimes it seems like yesterday, and other times it feels much longer. There are so many things I would have loved sharing with him since he left us; The pond has been such a wonderful place to get away from everything. I would love to share with him how much I appreciate this gift, and about our plans for a future there, looking at house plans, and trying to figure out where to put the house. The situation with mom, and how much I have learned about her, and about myself, as Mike and I care for her. I know Mike would have cherished his encouragement, and the insight dad learned from helping Anita care for Linda. My struggles to figure out where to fit into my adult children’s lives, trying to remain close, but respecting their space. He did such a good job of giving me the security I needed, without smothering me. The current world events, and th...

 Originally posted on Wordpress  January 20, 2020 It has been more difficult than usual to choose my word for 2020. Last year my word was Trust, and I admit it was a challenge. It was sort of like praying for patience! God provided multiple opportunities for me to learn to trust him, and to become aware of how hard it is for me to trust God, and people in my life. My “go to” when I am hurt is to withdraw, in an attempt to prevent being hurt again. I know isolation is one of Satan’s favorite tools, and he delights in convincing us we cannot trust anyone, even God. What a year it was! Lysa Terkeurst’s book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” helped me to work through some of my issues with trusting that God is always good, and life threw some curveballs to help me put into practice what I was learning. Prior to choosing Trust as my word, if you had asked me if I trusted easily I would have said yes, and if you had asked me if I trusted God I would have said without a doubt! Howev...

  Originally posted on Wordpress  October 24, 2019 I’m finally ready to share something I wrote in my journal on 09-19-19. I just needed to sit on it for awhile, and work through the feelings first. Mom was admitted to home hospice on 09-17-19. I made the referral on Monday 09-16-19. It was one of the hardest calls I have ever made… I have seen with my own eyes that she is declining, but I did not want to accept what I was seeing. I did not expect the emotions I experienced. This is what I do. I talk to people every day about decline, acceptance of what is happening, and the value of hospice services earlier rather than later. Still, I struggled, and it was hard to accept the time had come for the call. An admissions nurse came out the next day to complete an assessment, to see if mom was actually appropriate for hospice. I had planned on being there for the visit, but my husband encouraged me to go on to work. He felt mom would be more open, and since I work for the same hosp...