House in the Woods

 Originally posted on Wordpress  September 1, 2020 It is getting harder… Mom has had some major changes lately. Actually, a more appropriate way to say it is, mom has had a major decline. I really dislike that word, decline. We use it at work to help families understand what is happening with their loved one, but there is no way that one word can describe the loss. There are times she is not sure who I am. She knows I am important, but she’s not sure why. She is showing signs of “sundowners”. This burst of energy, and need to move at bedtime. She’s always been a night owl, and I have always been a morning person. About the time I am ready to lay down she is ready to start moving. I have a baby monitor in her room so I can see, and hear her if she needs me, and I have to admit, I probably spend way too much time just watching her, instead of sleeping. My cousin sent some pictures that my aunt had put away the other day. There were pictures of mom with clear, and confident eyes,...

  Originally posted on Wordpress  August 26, 2020 I captured this shot on the way to work Monday morning, when I was driving back from the pond in Georgia. Pardon the haze, my lens fogged up when I jumped out of the car on the side of the road. I’ve always had a fascination with sunrises, and sunsets, and the way clouds actually emphasize the beauty of the light. As a teenager spending summers on my grandparent’s farm, I could be found many evenings, out in the yard when the sun was going down, trying to somehow capture the beauty of the colors. I found that the limitations of the camera lens could not do it justice. I’ll admit at that time in my life I didn’t capture many sunrises. They came way too early! I’m amazed at how every single sunrise, and sunset are different. I’m also learning how quickly they change, and I only get one chance to try and capture what I see. I’ve also begun to appreciate that the clouds are often what brings out the beauty of the light. So many lif...

 Originally posted on Wordpress  August 19, 2020 He would have been 79 years old yesterday. It’s been almost eight years now, and sometimes it seems like yesterday, and other times it feels much longer. There are so many things I would have loved sharing with him since he left us; The pond has been such a wonderful place to get away from everything. I would love to share with him how much I appreciate this gift, and about our plans for a future there, looking at house plans, and trying to figure out where to put the house. The situation with mom, and how much I have learned about her, and about myself, as Mike and I care for her. I know Mike would have cherished his encouragement, and the insight dad learned from helping Anita care for Linda. My struggles to figure out where to fit into my adult children’s lives, trying to remain close, but respecting their space. He did such a good job of giving me the security I needed, without smothering me. The current world events, and th...

 Originally posted on Wordpress  January 20, 2020 It has been more difficult than usual to choose my word for 2020. Last year my word was Trust, and I admit it was a challenge. It was sort of like praying for patience! God provided multiple opportunities for me to learn to trust him, and to become aware of how hard it is for me to trust God, and people in my life. My “go to” when I am hurt is to withdraw, in an attempt to prevent being hurt again. I know isolation is one of Satan’s favorite tools, and he delights in convincing us we cannot trust anyone, even God. What a year it was! Lysa Terkeurst’s book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” helped me to work through some of my issues with trusting that God is always good, and life threw some curveballs to help me put into practice what I was learning. Prior to choosing Trust as my word, if you had asked me if I trusted easily I would have said yes, and if you had asked me if I trusted God I would have said without a doubt! Howev...

  Originally posted on Wordpress  October 24, 2019 I’m finally ready to share something I wrote in my journal on 09-19-19. I just needed to sit on it for awhile, and work through the feelings first. Mom was admitted to home hospice on 09-17-19. I made the referral on Monday 09-16-19. It was one of the hardest calls I have ever made… I have seen with my own eyes that she is declining, but I did not want to accept what I was seeing. I did not expect the emotions I experienced. This is what I do. I talk to people every day about decline, acceptance of what is happening, and the value of hospice services earlier rather than later. Still, I struggled, and it was hard to accept the time had come for the call. An admissions nurse came out the next day to complete an assessment, to see if mom was actually appropriate for hospice. I had planned on being there for the visit, but my husband encouraged me to go on to work. He felt mom would be more open, and since I work for the same hosp...

 Originally posted on Wordpress 07/06/19 Those of you who have read previous posts know I have had the habit for a few years now of choosing a word at the beginning of the year to concentrate on. It works much better for me than resolutions. I always pray for God to reveal the right one and I am amazed at how appropriate the word is for my circumstances. In past years I have chosen; Grace, Intentional, Hope, and this year the word is Trust. Trust sounds like a basic word and an easy concept but it is much more complicated than I realized, and it is tied to every area of my life. There were two things I believed to be true about myself and trust… I am trusting of others I trust God I’ve learned that things are not always as they seem!One of the first things that God has pointed out to me this year is that I do not easily trust people. I have allowed the rejections , and hurts in the past to interfere with being open ,  and vulnerable in my current relationships. Reading Brene B...

Originally posted on Wordpress 01/21/19   Love of God is pure when joy, and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude. Simone Weil Still thinking about this topic, and how I should respond to “trials and tribulations”, or a simple detour in  my  plans. Instead of asking “why?” I think a better response is “what?” What can I learn from this? What might God be saving me from? What is making me scared, resistant, determined to have my way? I think my answers will shed light on the differences in my character and the character of the one who always knows best. Am I filled with pride and afraid to admit I am wrong? Do I lack faith that God will see me through? Do I have a selfish dream or agenda? Do I fear my dreams will not come true? It all comes back to trust, again, and again. Do I  really  trust Him? Let my answer be, “yes Lord, always yes”